Posted by: adventlife | August 21, 2012

Some Funny Anecdotes

#29: A Farmer’s Answer 

A busload of politicians, on a “fact-finding” trip to speak to constituents, went missing. Members of the Secret Service and other law enforcement agencies hit the ground in search of them. Following an old road, they saw the bus crashed in a field and a farmer working nearby. The conversation with the farmer went like this:
Agents: Was that wrecked bus filled with politicians from Washington?
Farmer: Yup.
Agents: Where are they now?
Farmer: Buried ’em.
Agents: They all died in the crash?
Farmer: Some of ’em said they were alive but you know how politicians lie.

#28: A Pilot’s Story

The U.S. Air Force has an ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 5l. Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 5l were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost and spotted the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They fueled up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-away on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, they surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

#27: Blond Humor

Blonde Humour

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he will.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news, and so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Bob took the money…

#27: Statistics Don’t Lie!

At his 103rd party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.

“I certainly do,” he replied.

“Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”

#26: Bad News

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when
Ben Meierwitz lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his chest and
dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade,
the other three continued playing standing up. Art Finkelstein looked
around and asked, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?” They drew straws
and Sam Goldberg picked the short one. The others told him to be
discreet, be gentle, and don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? Sam replied. “I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!” So Sam went over
to Ben’s apartment, and knocked on the door. Ben’s wife answered and
asked what he wanted. Sam replied: “Your husband just lost $500
playing poker, and he’s afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!”
his wife said. “I’ll go tell him,” said Sam.

#25: Democracy at Work

A New York Times journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq several years before the war, and she noted then that women customarily walked about ten feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation.

“This is marvelous,” said the journalist, “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

The woman replied, “landmines.”

#24: The Bridge to Hawaii

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky
cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, ‘Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’

The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
there anytime I want.’

The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!. It will
nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do to it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of something that could possibly help mankind.’

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’

The Lord replied, “you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?’

#23: Satisfaction Guaranteed

In 1970, Procrastinators’ Club of America founder Les Waas and his fellow members demanded a belated refund for the Liberty Bell from England’s White Chapel Foundry because it had cracked in 1835. White Chapel’s response? They graciously offered a full refund…provided that the item could be returned in its original packaging.

#22: Baseball Champion

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

“Strike one!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

“Strike two!” he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!”

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

“Strike three!”

“Wow!” he exclaimed: “I’m the greatest pitcher in the world.”

#21: Changing a Lightbulb

How many church goers does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 � Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 � One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None � Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None � Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15 � One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 � One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 � One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined � Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 � One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None � Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: — What’s a light bulb?

#20: Baseball in Heaven

Bob and Bill were lifelong friends and baseball fans. One day they learned that Bill was terminally ill with only two weeks to live.

Bob pleaded, “Bill, promise me that after you have passed on, you’ll come back and tell me if there is baseball in heaven.”

Bill replied, “Lord willing, I will.”

Bill passed away, and time passed. One night, Bob was awakened by a blinding light in his room.

Bob asked, “Bill, is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me,” Bill replied.

Bob asked, “Well, is there baseball in heaven?”

Bill replied, “Well… I’ve got some good news and some bad news, Bob.”

Bob couldn’t contain himself. “Give the good news first!”

“Yes, there is baseball in heaven,” Bill stated.

Bob sighed, “With news like that, how bad could the bad news be?”

Bill replied, “You’re pitching on Saturday.”

#19: Redneck Momma

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,  trailed by 15 kids.

–‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they ALL  YOURS???’

–‘Yep they are all mine,’ the flustered momma sighs,  having heard that question a thousand times before. She then says,

–‘Sit down Leroy.’

All the children rush to find seats.

–‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’

–‘This one’s my oldest – he is Leroy.’

–‘OK, and who’s next?’

–‘Well, this one he is Leroy, also.’

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all  named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest  girl, named Leighroy!

–‘All right,’ says the caseworker. ‘I’m seeing a  pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?’ Their Momma replied,

–‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready  for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ ‘An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ an’ they all comes a  runnin’. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s  running into the street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all  of them stop.

It’s the smartest idea I ever had,  namin’ them all Leroy.’

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively,

–‘But  what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’

–‘I call them by their last names,’ answers the redneck mother of 15.

#18: Unbiased News Reporting!

A man is walking through the Berkley, California Zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the African Lion’s cage.   Suddenly, the lion grabs the little girl by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her in front of her screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the little girl.  The man brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter had witnessed the entire event, and addressing the man, says:  “Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I have ever seen a man do.”

“Why, it was nothing,” said the man.  “Really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lion’s den long, long ago.  I just saw this little girl in danger and acted as I felt was right.”

“I see a Bible in your pocket,” said the journalist.

“Yes, I’m a Christian and I was on my way to a bible study,”  the man replied.

“I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page.  I’ll make sure this brave act does not go unnoticed”.

The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.   On the front page, it reads:

“Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.”

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you are uninformed.

If you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.”

Mark Twain.

#17: The Raffle Ticket

Young Chuck, moved to  Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a net profit of $898.00.’The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

#16: An Orangutan in  Lyon Cage

When the old orangutan at a city zoo died, the zoo keeper decided to hire an actor to play the role of the missing animal. They skinned the dead orangutan, and dressed the man with those skins, ant told him all he had to do was to eat some peanuts and pretend he was a real wild beast. One day, he decided to climb the fence and fell inside the lyon’s cage. Fearing for his life, he started yelling for help, and the lyon yelled back to him: “Shut up, you fool, or both of us will loose our jobs!” [Anecdote used by Billy Graham in his evangelistic sermon}

#15: Chinese Laundry

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all of the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner, and sees a building with the sign, “Saul Dumbrowski’s Chinese Laundry.”

“Saul Dumbrowski?” he muses. “How the heck does that fit in here?”

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, “How did this place get a name like “Saul Dumbrowski’s Chinese Laundry?”

The old man answers, “Is name of owner.”

The tourist asks, “Well, who and where is the owner

“Me, is right here,” replies the old man.

“You? How’d you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?”

“Is simple,” says the old man. “Many years ago, when come to this country,  was stand in line at Ellis Island Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say, “What your name?

He say ‘Saul Dumbrowski.’

Then she look at me and go, ‘What your name?’

“I say, “My name Sem Ting.”

#14: Keeping a Secret

In hiding a birthday present for another member of the family, my sister Margie asked her little 4-year-old granddaughter, Lindsey, if she could keep a secret. Her eyes got big and she answered, “Oh yes, Grandma! I can! But sometimes the people I tell the secret to can’t!”

#13: The Honest Prisoner

In his 10/02/04 sermon, Senior Pastor of the University Church of SDA Randy Roberts used the following illustration designed to emphasize the value of honesty. A certain king paid a visit to the prison of his country, and listened as one inmate after another begged to be released because they were all innocent of the crimes they were declared guilty of. Suddenly, the king noticed a quiet and dejected inmate sitting in the corner of the prison. He looked at him and asked: “Why do you look so sad?” “Because I am a criminal,” the prisoner responded. “Is that a fact?” the king asked. “That is the truth, and I am not lying.” Impressed by the inmate’s response, the king ordered him released with the following observation. “I do not want this criminal to be in the company of all these innocent men. He would be a bad influence on them.”

#12: The Big Hog

In his 9/11/04 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts, used another illustration depicting human nature. The telephone rang at the pastor’s office and his secretary picked the receiver. The voice at the other end asked to speak with the “big hog.” She was taken aback and responded, “If you want to talk to the pastor, you better use some respect.” The man responded, “Tell the ‘big hog’ that I have $10,000 dollars to donate for the church building fund. “Hold on,” the secretary said, “the pastor just walked in.”

#11: The Lady With a Gun

In his 9/11/04 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts, senior pastor of the LomaLindaUniversitySDAChurch, used the following illustration borrowed from Pastor Greg Lowry: A woman carrying her shopping bag was walking towards her car in the parking lot, when she noticed four individuals seated inside the vehicle. She dropped her shopping bag, pulled a revolver out of it, aimed at the occupants of the car and shouted, “Get out. I have a gun and I know how to use it.” All four doors of the vehicle opened and the scared occupants ran for their lives. The woman quietly got inside the vehicle, and was ready to take off, but the key wouldn’t fit. As she looked to one side, she discovered she was inside somebody else’s vehicle. She got out, took her own car and drove to the police station. The police officer couldn’t help laughing when he heard her story, and pointed to four individuals seated nearby who had come to report the alleged burglary.

#10: Response to Church Gossip

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah’s house………. and left it there all night (Contributed by Hugo Schmidt. Author unknown.)

#9: The Atheist’s Prayer

In his June 19 sermon, Elder Randy Roberts used the following anecdote to illustrate the fact that some of us use prayer as a last resort, or a 911 emergency call for help. A man who did not believe in God was exploring nature when all of a sudden he sensed that he was being followed. On turning around, he panicked at the sight of a hungry bear. He quickly folded his hands and issued the following call for help: “Lord, if you exist, please make this bear a Christian.” The bear folded his paws and offered the following prayer: “Thank you Lord for this meal you graciously provided for me.”

#8: The Prayer Ritual

In his sermon today (06/19/04) Elder Randy Roberts, the Loma Linda University Senior Pastor, related the following anecdote to illustrate ritual prayer. A hospital chaplain stopped at a hospital room and found the patient lying prostrate in her bed. He quietly placed his hand on the patient’s forehead and offered his routine prayer: “Dear Lord, place your healing hand on this dear sister, and make her well.” The patient opened her eyes, sat up in her bed, put her feet on the floor and got up. “I have been healed,” she exclaimed with joy, “I am going home.” The startled chaplain left the hospital room in a hurry, got into his car, and bowing his head, prayed: “Lord, don’t ever do this to me again.”

#7: A Clever Legal Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out. (Contributed by Clarita Drachenberg. Author Unknown.)

#6: God’s Telephone Number

In his sermon delivered on March 6/04, Elder Randy Roberts related the following anecdote: In one of the Hollywood films, there was a scene where an actor got a call from God, and god’s telephone number was displayed on the actor’s cell phone. By coincidence the number displayed on the actor’s cell phone was a live one which belonged to a professional, and she started receiving a large number of calls on a daily basis from people who had seen the film. This was rather annoying, but one day the woman picked the receiver and answered: “This is God. May I help you.” The surprised caller responded, “I can’t believe this. I am talking to God, and she is a woman.”

#5: Expensive karate Lessons

The following is another anecdote Randy Roberts, Senior Pastor of the LomaLindaUniversity, included in his sermon this morning: A young boy was tired of having to give his lunch money to this big bully kid in his school every day, so he determined to put a stop to the shameful behavior of this Mafioso. He signed up for karate lessons with a private instructor. After a short trial, he gave up on his project. When asked for an explanation by a friend, he responded: “I prefer to give my lunch money to this bully than to the karate teacher.”

#4: A Barking Policeman

Randy Roberts, Senior Pastor of the LomaLindaUniversityChurch, related the following anecdote in his sermon today: A policeman was trying to apprehend three teenagers who had burglarized a school, but could not run as fast as the young fellows. “Stop, or I’ll arrest you,” he yelled, but the youngsters kept running. “Stop, or I’ll let my dog loose,” he yelled again. The young criminals paid not heed to his threats. Then the Policeman barked, and this scared the daylights out of them. They stopped, and the policeman arrested all three.

#3: Gathered From Church Bulletins

A friend of mine sent the following collection of items misspelled by church bulletin editors:

1.      “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’ The sermon tonight:    ‘Searching for Jesus.’”

2.      “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

3.      “Our youth basketball team is back in action. Wednesday at 8:00 PM in the recreation hall. Come and watch us kill Christ the King.”

4.      “For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have  a nursery downstairs.”

5.      “Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.”

6.      “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.”

7.      “Don’t let worry kill you. Let church help. “

8.      “Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”

9.      “This evening at 7:00 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.”

10.  “Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

11.  “The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.”

12.  “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

13.  “The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 PM. Please, use the back door.”

14.  “Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.”

15.  “Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.”

16. “Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.”

#2: Which Service?

I received the following anecdote from and old friend of mine:

“One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, ‘Good morning, Alex.’ ‘Good morning,’ replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. ‘What is this?’ Alex asked. ‘Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.’ Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Suddenly, with a trembling and barely audible voice, the boy asked, ‘Which service—the 9:45 … or the 11:15?

#1: Sweet Revenge

In his sermon, Pastor Scott Smith, related the following anecdote at the University Church of Loma Linda to illustrate the human strong desire for revenge.  A rich tycoon wanted to find the best suitor for his beautiful daughter. He invited a large group of eligible bachelors to a party around his shark and crocodile infested swimming pool, and made the following announcement: “Whoever manages to swim across this swimming pool will have the option of receiving from me as a reward either one million dollars, the title to my most profitable oil well, or the right to marry my daughter and thus inherit all my riches.”

They heard a splash, and watched as one of the contestants desperately swam across the swimming pool as if he were an Olympic champion. As soon as he got out of the water, the host asked the young man: “Do you want the million dollars?” “No,” was the man’s reply. “Do you want the title to my profitable oil well?” asked the rich man. “No,” was his answer again. “Do you want to marry my daughter?” asked the Tycoon. “No,” the young man answered. “What do you want, then?” Asked the father of the beautiful girl. “I want to know who pushed me into the swimming pool!” was the final answer of the young man. Revenge was uppermost in his mind.


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