Posted by: adventlife | May 2, 2014

Who Needs Karate Lessons When Grocery Cans Are Available?

Edith Greenley

Disclaimer: AdventLife did contact the manager of the Loma Linda Market and was informed that the event described in this story never happened. This was evident to the careful observer by the fact that the author had assigned to the old lady an extremely advanced age: 110 years. Most Adventists tend to reject fictional elements in literature in spite of the fact that we do find fiction in some Old Testament stories and even in some of the parables of Jesus. The classic example is the parable of Lazarus and the rich man being tormented in the fires of hell.


Edith Greenley, a Loma Linda resident, has provided ample evidence that you don’t need Karate lessons if grocery cans are in your shopping bag. The fact that she is a centenarian did not deter her from defending herself when she was accosted by Ed Sutherland, a would be mugger aged 23 in the parking lot of the Loma Linda Market and demanded her purse.

Her quick response sent the young man to the hospital where emergency personnel had to apply eight stitches to the head of the petty thief. The whole incident was captured by the 110-year-old lady by her grandson who immediately posted it on U-Tube which went viral on the internet before the attacker had a chance to reach the hospital.

“Greenley has announced that she will be opening a self-defense class at the Green Oaks Senior Center. She has promised to demonstrate how students can defend themselves from any attacker using veggie food from the frozen food aisle of any mid-sized supermarket.

Following the foiled attack, Greenley and her friends command a whole different level of respect around Loma Linda and the greater Riverside area. They are said to have inspired fear and trembling in the hearts of local petty theft enthusiasts. The word on the street is to stay away from anyone over 90 with a King’s Heralds sticker on their walker.

Asked what her secret was to living a long and secure life, Greenley said, “The Okinawans have Karate, the Sardinians have the Mafia, my knitting group and I — we stay off the hooch and carry cans of Big Franks.””


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